Tag: tears

Being Out of Place

”Yes, I will definitely be there in 20 min”, I said when you called me again to attend your birthday party. Put through a lot of strain to feel cool and casual in your presence, that too in case you had noticed me! You will never know that I had tried every dress in my wardrobe, before I remembered that once you had told me that your favorite color was pink and that girls looked cool in pink. But my pink anarkali dress had a stain at the bottom, and I couldn’t take the risk of letting it show. Well, not that it was the first time that I was meeting you, but off late I started to feel very nervous and weird in your presence, as if I really do not match up. But I try, nonetheless!

After spraying the perfume, I realize that I might have been late already. I walk hurriedly the distance towards your house. A lot of things go in my mind – how do I greet you, what do I talk about, will you notice me, comment that I looked good (even if you didn’t mean it)..

I hear the sounds of a lot of guests and activity as I reach your home. The sandals outside the door oozed wealth and height of fashion, the first hint I got as to what the party was going to be!!

And then I saw you!! How astonishing you looked in that maroon sherwani! ‘Hello Preeti, I am happy that you could make it’, you said. Your voice sounded very hollow and devoid of emotion to me.

Then I saw your mother and said ‘”Hello aunty!”

”Hi Preeti”, her face remaining impassive. It was as if she could penetrate my heart and guess what I felt for her son, and didn’t approve of it!

“Go and join Sanjay’s friends there”, your mother said. I slowly make my way towards a group of girls – your friends obviously. How elegant, beautiful, and rich they all looked. I felt as if even the house maid was better dressed than I was. As soon as I sat among them, they all were staring at me, or rather I felt so. I started feeling nervous. Until then, I couldn’t recall one friendly gaze or word-not even yours! I spotted your friend, Aarti among the group and said, ”Hi Aarti, I didn’t know that you were coming”. Immediately a few of the girls started laughing. Aarti, laughed too, along with others, rolled her kohl-made eyes and said, ‘”How can Sanjay have his birthday party without me?”

That kind of sent a chill down my spine. I didn’t speak to anybody else after that nor did anybody bother about me. You seemed to be too occupied with all your other guests, talking and joking. And when you joined us, you immediately sat beside Aarti-you guys looked way too close for ‘just friends’ that you told me about. You forgot me as if I didn’t exist!  What happened to the Sanjay that I knew, full of humor, natural, and who liked me?

Although I had been in your house for many times, I felt as if I was in a new place! Inside I was just dying with a thousand thoughts, each wanting my attention at once! Why did Aarti slap your hand in response to what you said? Did you say something romantic? Is Aarti just your friend or more than a friend? Do you still like me, or did you even like me before or said things just casually? And most importantly, why is your behavior to me so forced, cold, and emotionless today? Why isn’t anybody else talking to me today?

The lump inside my throat was forcing outside..

More than liking you, the worst thing would have been to make it obvious to everybody. I didn’t want that to happen.

Then suddenly, out of the blue a thought stuck me, the truth of the situation..

I DIDN’T BELONG THERE

I excused myself before I could show my tears and make a complete fool of myself, and left the party.

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Finding myself

I feel butterflies in my stomach. I try to take very long breaths, but they do not seem to slow down the intensity of a sadness that I feel at this moment. I try my best to gulp and swallow the orange that seems to be forming without control in my throat. I make my best efforts to push back the salty water that’s trying to gush down my eyes. Very soon, it’ll stain my face and start running down my cheeks. People would ask ‘What’s wrong?’ For which I have no answer or do not wish to answer. No, that should not happen. With one last effort, I sip a little water, use a tissue to wipe my eyes, and compose my face to something impassive, if not a smile…because that’s the best I can manage. I am surrounded by a lot of people, but never have I felt so lonely. I do not want to talk or be talked to, if that can be managed.

I look at the people around me..they seem to be happy and content. If not, they aren’t atleast experiencing this turmoil that I am going through.

‘Why can’t I be just like them?’

‘Why do I have to feel the way I feel’?

Is this a feeling the world calls ‘depression’?

Now, why am I depressed? Is it that my sweetheart doesn’t love me back the way I love him? Or the vacant feeling in my life? Or am I in a place where I don’t belong? Or a close friend betrayed me?

Or for no reason at all, but yet I feel terribly low?

If I even make an attempt to talk about it, I am afraid of people judging me and saying,

‘No, you should not be thinking this way’

‘You should be happy that you are blessed with so much. Not many people in this world are so lucky.’

‘You must be kidding! I cannot believe it. Are you depressed for such a silly reason’?

‘Heyyy, this is soo wrong! You are a very bad person’

I try to turn on the logical part of my brain and analyse: ‘Maybe I am blessed better than many others. Maybe it’s wrong and unethical to think this way at all. Maybe the reason is very very silly. Maybe I am really a bad bad person after all.’

As I am thinking these thoughts, this one thought finds pushes its way through full force and strikes me as a blow…’EVEN IF ALL THESE REASONS HAPPEN TO BE TRUE, STUPID, YOU STILL CANNOT STOP FEELING THE WAY YOU DO’ Probably because I feel these emotions at my soul-level, and not my intellect-level?

I feel a surge of tears again, but this time, I excuse myself and just go from that place. I keep walking fast, faster, and running with tears blocking my vision. But this time, I make no effort to stop or control them. They must just flow. They seem to have a mind of their own. The sun is setting now, a sight I would have loved before, but not today. Not now. I lean against a tree that I find. And I weep, weep like I have never wept before. I am not embarrassed to cry now. I am hitting the tree with my fists, crying, swearing, talking to the trees and rocks that surround me. After what seemed to me like an eternity, I feel better than what I had felt in days. I look around and realize that it is dark. But am not afraid. I feel as if something soothing and heavenly is wrapping me, working on my insides. I immediately feel a kinship with the tree that I have been hitting for some time now. The rocks, the wind, the grass – they seem to talking to me..trying to say something to me..

Am I being made aware of the omnipresence of GOD?

I walk back home, feeling better, peaceful with that graceful feeling that seems to wrap me 🙂